Being A Mom And All That Jazz

A mother holds up her child.

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Unless you are a mom,  you might not get this blog,’cause there are some things that only a mom would understand.

To all my mom friends…

1…..Things like walking across the kitchen floor with bare feet, only to discover that you’ve stepped in something sticky. Not really knowing what it is. And not wanting to know. It’s easier not to look.

2. ….Telling the kids to quit arguing in the back seat, or you WILL come back there!!! Even if it entails crawling over the seat and possibly getting strangled by the seat belt. A moms gotta do what a moms gotta do.

3. Understand that anytime you are on the phone a child will need your attention. Said child will do anything to get your attention, WHILE you are trying to have a conversation with the lady that works at the doctor’s office. You worry that she might have heard you yell, as you were hanging up the phone, “For the love of all that is good, GET THE UNDERWEAR OFF YOUR HEAD!”

4. “AM I THE ONLY ONE IN THIS HOUSE THAT KNOWS HOW TO CLEAN A DISH?”

5. Trying to appear calm, cool, and collected while your teenage son is driving. Praying that there are no cops around, also hoping that you don’t die in a fiery crash, burned to a crisp. Trying to look on the bright side…if that happens at least there will be no newspaper pictures of you.

6. Arm pit noises, burps, and flatulence are not as hysterical as some children seem to think. Hoping against all odds that they have not done any of these things while at other people’s houses. If so, you don’t want to know about it.

7. Trusting that everyone will graduate before they are 30—wondering why in the world I thought it was a good idea to home educate? ‘Cause now the ball falls directly in my court. Ugh.

8. Asking the Lord to already work on their future spouses hearts. “Oh God. Puh-leeze prepare my sons/daughter future spouse for them. I want them each to be blessed with a good marriage. Drop her/him right in their lap if need be. No, seriously God. I mean that. It would be a lot easier that way. Just sayin’.”

9. As a mom, I have to squirrel certain food away–if I ever want to see it again. Nothing lasts in a house with three teenagers. I’ve got rations laid up in the bedroom armoire.

10. Lay down at night and fall dead asleep from sheer exhaustion. Unless someone is up when they aren’t supposed to be, then I’m up like a shot because I have ears like a bat.

11. Reminding my children that I have a hot line straight to God. If they ever lie, cheat, steal, hurt someone, do ANYTHING they know they shouldn’t…God will TELL ME. I will find out. And I will deal with it.

12. Any child with even an inkling of self preservation, should have a healthy fear of their mother. End of discussion.

13. If you make me cry, you’ve really done it. How can you hurt me this way? I thought my greatest pain was when I birthed you from my loins! I was wrong. You’ve crushed me. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. ARE YOU FEELING GUILTY YET???

14. “No. I will not really bury you in the backyard. That is just an expression, sweetheart.”

15. I expect you to do your laundry. You smell ripe. It wouldn’t hurt you to slap on some deodorant either. It’s because I love you that I tell you these things.

16. I love you too. I’m glad I’m your mom….Yes, really.

17. It’s your turn to clean the toilet in the hall bath. I don’t get paid enough (at all) to clean that. Y’alls bathroom looks worse than a truck stop.

18. That is the sweetest thing you’ve ever done. I love you so much. Come here and get a hug.

19. When did you get so tall? I am still your mother even if I’m standing on a stool to look at you eye to eye.

20. I’ve got the best kids and I wouldn’t exchange them for anything in the world. Well…except for some chocolate. And that’s only if its the really, really good stuff. No. Of course, I’m just kidding. You’re much better than chocolate. No, I’m not lying for cryin’ out loud.

Keep On, Keepin’ On, Mamas!!!

3 thoughts on “Being A Mom And All That Jazz

  1. You better hope that your kids don’t read this. If I know my nephews and niece they will mount a black-ops maneuver to recover that food stashed in the armoire.

    Give them all hugs for me.

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