Who Let The Birds In?

The Birds  - Alfred Hitchcock


It happened this morning while I was sitting on the toilet. Once again, I was minding my own business when I heard it. It started as a scratching sound and went into full blown flapping of wings. The vent that was to the side of me and above my head, the vent that one can hear attic noises in…it would have scared the pee out of me, if I hadn’t already done that. As I was sitting there and all the flapping commenced, I had a brief Alfred Hitchcock moment. What if that bird comes in through the bathroom vent and in a fit of terror, pecks me to death? First spiders try to attack me in the bathroom, and then a stinkin’ mouse, now a crazed bird. And the thing is….this is a BRAND NEW house. We do not live in a dump that any vermin can just call home. Wait a minute. I guess we do live in a house that vermin can call home. (and no I’m not talking about me and my family)

1. Now someone (not me) is going to have to go up to the attic and find the scared bird and shoo it out a window. How it got in, I do not know. I suggest the brave soul wear a plastic shield over their face, in case the bird DOES pull an Alfred Hitchcock. I don’t even want to think about the fact that a scared bird has probably poo’d on our valuable possessions in the attic. Sigh. I hope our Christmas decorations will not have white goop on them.

2. We caught a mouse behind the kitchen trashcan. I am about over the mouse situation. I do not care if we moved to the country. I do not care that we live in a field. I do not care that the walls of our house are warm and snug for a mouse’s home. I do not like scratchy noises in the walls. I do not like a mouse to be heard as I am fixing my morning breakfast. As God as my witness, if a mouse comes flying out at me when I open a cabinet in the wee hours of the morning–when I’m not even fully awake I will not rest until it is DEAD. The neighbors 5 miles down the road will hear me screaming and running around like a wild banshee. Hey people, I’m not dealing well with this. It was rats that carried the Bubonic Plague you know…I have a right not to want them in my house. Okay, fine. So these are field mice the size of my pinky finger, still they could be KILLERS.  Has anyone seen the movie, Mouse Hunt? That is my life!

3. I killed a honkin’ big black spider in the laundry room yesterday. Seriously, HONKIN’ big. I smashed him with my trusty flip flop. I still had those in the shoe bin out there. Flip flops are the best spider killers because they are light and flexible. BLAM. He is smooshed. That’s what he gets. No sympathy from me. I left his guts on the wall as a warning to other 8 legged creepy crawlies who think that the laundry room is their home. I’ve got news for them. IT IS NOT. I still do not like spiders, but I’ve gotten braver as time has gone on. And as long as I have a flip flop and a can of Raid, I think I’m good to go.

Wait a minute…..I just heard something.