I am a first born. A thinker.A doer. I tend to be a perfectionist. I’m extremely observant about most things. I’m detailed and live by my day planner…well the planner along with my daily lists. Sometimes my lists are written out, sometimes I just check things off mentally. Make no mistake though, I always have a list.
Unfortunately, I also have qualities like stubbornness (No way!), pride (I KNEW I was right all along!), and irritability (Why can’t you do it the RIGHT way?) when people don’t meet my “standards”. The truth is I’m a lot harder on myself than I am on others….but, still. It’s something I’m working on. Believe me when I say, “I have a lot to work on.”
So many times in my desire for security in my life and the need to feel in control of what is going on around me…I mess up. Oh, how I mess up. I won’t share all the gory details with you except to say that I realize I’m not perfect. Period.
As I get older I find myself, more and more often, considering how God made me. How I interact with others in my world. Sometimes the lessons that I have to learn are annoying to me. (See! It’s that irritability coming out in me!) Sometimes the lessons are painful. Sometimes they perplex me and I just don’t “get it”.
At other times I’m blessed to be witness to some of this life’s miracles and am privileged to see the hand of God in my circumstances. I am definitely a work in progress. We all are. We really are. Whether we see it or not. I’m not being trite when I say that.
I often times find myself in situations, sometimes by my own choices–both good and bad, and sometimes because things just happen. We all live in an imperfect world where things happen. I’ll be the first to say, there are times when I am ticked. Perturbed. Annoyed. I wonder why life can’t be easier. I am not above having a kicking, screaming, toddler fit…IN MY HEAD over some stuff. People…I said, IN MY HEAD. I am way to mature and dignified to have a fit in front of anyone. Puh-leeze. But then God says to me…I SEE YOU. Uh oh.
God is holy and just. All knowing. Ever present. A wonderful counselor. And just between you and me (and well…God), I think He certainly must have a sense of humor. No one could put up with me, if they didn’t. After all scripture does tell us He is long-suffering (which is a fancy word for patient). I’m so grateful for that, let me tell you.
Now, I have to be honest. After the kind of difficult times my family and I have been through, especially over the past couple of years…I was feeling sort of like Job in the Bible. He really isn’t my favorite character. He is the guy that loses everything. Yet, he never blames God. I wanted to be that way…..but, instead I griped at God. Sadly, I’m too good at it. WHY ME? WHAT IS GOING ON? I DON’T GET IT. DO I DESERVE ALL THIS? Then I’d cry and fall limp at His feet. Instead of yelling at me, God gently picked me up.
He does to me, what He did for Job all those many years ago. Job, in his own words said, “But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” Gold. Valuable. Beautiful. Precious. BUT only after being tested. In order for gold, as we know it, to be usable it has to go through the fire. Yes, the fire. The junk has to rise to the surface before the Master can really get to the beauty that lies underneath. And for those of us that are His children, when the Master looks at us….He should see a reflection of Himself. That is when we will really shine.