Spider Ninja

Arachnophobia

Image by NobMouse via Flickr

I have mentioned, on more than one occasion, my deep seated hatred of all things spider-ish. When moving to the country, I have had to overcome my great fear of spiders. Don’t get me wrong I still hate them. I just have learned how to deal with them without screaming and running.

Last week we were having a week of Indian summer. We had beautiful warm days and cool evenings. Warm days that brought out every spider within a 5 mile radius of my house. While out in the front of the house, I thought I’d sit out on the front porch…until I realized that there were 50 bazillion trillion spiders sunning themselves there. I freaked out for a little while, and then remembered my secret weapon….a can of RAID. After digging around in the closet for awhile, I came across the can I was looking for. There wasn’t much left. I used what I could. I did not feel comfortable going into battle with only a quarter can of the good stuff. Hmmmm…….  Later that day I went to the store and bought a better can of RAID, especially for spiders and scorpions. Now, I was ready!

I don’t know what came over me, but I turned into a sniper, preying on the spiders. Picking them off…one by one. I sprayed with such glee. I wonder about myself sometimes. I think I had way too much fun watching the spiders curl up and die almost immediately. Oh and by the way, if you are a lover of spiders do not leave a comment telling me how horrible I am, or that spiders are good because they catch bugs and stuff. Puh-leeze! I don’t want to hear it. I got sick and tired of spider webs on EVERYTHING outside and creepy crawlies all over my house. Period.

Well, when said spiders were keeling over outside, the survivors of the RAID rampage ventured in. A lot. I was giving most of them the “smack down” with the flying flip flop move. I’ve perfected it.

It was a little before seven in the morning yesterday. I stumbled into the bathroom still half asleep, flipped on the light and there he was. He was the biggest house spider I’ve ever seen. I am not exaggerating. I think he was the assassin that was sent in by the arachnid army to do me in.  He was crouched half way under the shower curtain (which goes all the way to the floor in our bathroom) WATCHING ME.  WITH ALL EIGHT OF HIS BEADY EYES. I moved. He moved. My shadow fell across him. He reared back. I swear he was reading my mind. I sauntered over to the magazine basket that we have near the toilet. I grabbed an old real estate magazine for the smack down. He was quick. I was quicker. It was over in a second. Glad I saw him before I sat down on the toilet, because he would have had the advantage then.

My daughter told me our barn in covered in spiders. It’s a regular scene out of the movie Arachnophobia. The barn spiders are  not sweet and cute like Charlotte either. One doesn’t see any cute messages about Wilbur the pig. Our barn spiders leave horror movie style messages in their webs…things like “I’m watching you. I will drop down on your head when you are not looking and suck all your brain juices out.” Very unsettling stuff, indeed.

Creepy Crawlies

Funneled spider net

Image via Wikipedia

I worked, out in the flower bed yesterday. I pulled weeds. Lots and lots of weeds. The flower bed had been neglected. Opps.

1. Some people say working in a garden is actually fun.

2. I wonder about those kind of people.

3. I hate pulling weeds.

4. Hate is not too strong a word.

5. I woke up this morning with aching thighs and a sore lower back.

6. That’s what I get for squatting and bending over.

7. For more than 2 seconds.

8. Ugh.

9. Anyway, as I was pulling weeds I noticed the webs.

10. Lots and lots of webs.

11. Sticky tunnels of spider web goo.

12. There is no love loss between me an spiders.

13. I hate them.

14. I don’t even like Spiderman.

15. Fighting crime? So what. He’s part spider. Yuck.

16. Funnel web weavers are fast.

17. That is the fancy names for spiders that run out of their tunnels of web.

18. Right at you.

19. While you’re weeding.

20. And cause you to scream.

21. And jump.

22. And scream some more.

23. I need a shovel.

24. A big one.

25. To smash the ever lovin’ guts out of the spiders.

26. I am learning to overcome my fear of spiders.

27. As long as I have something big to smash them with.

28. Especially, something with a long handle that I can smash them with, from a distance.

29. So, after the weeding, near death (from a major conniption fit) experience…

30. I went inside.

31. Took my gloves off and sat down at my computer.

32. I looked up spiders on the internet.

33. The kind we have are funnel weavers. They mostly stay outside in the grass.

34. That does nothing to assuage my fear.

35. Note to self: Don’t go outside in the yard bare foot.

36. The spider site told me that MALE funnel weavers like to go inside when the weather turns cold.

37. Figures it’s the males.

38. I am a warrior.

39. They will die.

40. Part of me feels a little bad…..Okay, maybe not.

41. They are ones who desire to enter enemy territory.

42. It’s not like I want them as a pet. Or a family mascot.

43. I’ve noticed a lot of little spiders around lately.

43. I read somewhere that spiders don’t care for citrus.

44. I might bomb my entire house.

45. With oranges.

46. Just sayin’.

47. In the meantime, any weeding will be done in “full gear”.

48. Gloves. Long pants.

49. AND A BIG SHOVEL.

50. A girl can never be too prepared.