They’re Coming To Take Me Away…

horse fly, Diptera family Tabanidae, Tabanus s...

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On this incredibly stinkin’ hot day in the rural Midwest, I thought we could all use a good dose of humor. I will allow you to laugh at my expense. Dawn vs. Nature. It is not a pretty sight.

I thought that we had moved to a picturesque setting in the rural farmland of Ohio. Actually, this turned out to be true, although I had no idea the other critters that had also chose to live alongside us on our little slice of land. In the Spring we had a raccoon under the deck. This visitor caused our dogs to nearly go berserk. At 3 am in the morning. The dogs couldn’t get to the “scared out of his wits” raccoon, and the raccoon was NOT coming out with two “Cujo‘s” on the loose. There was not much sleeping going on that night for anyone in a five mile radius of our house.

We have a ground hog that has a vacation home down where our property meets the road. He is quiet and keeps to himself. Every time I see him, The Wind and The Willows comes to mind.

We have Bambi and family that trek across our side yard on a fairly regular basis. Fun to watch, unless one decides to jump out directly in front of the the family van….then it is a little scary. The other night my husband laid some rubber on the road when he braked hard not to hit a deer that literally came out of nowhere, directly in front of us. My heart was hammering in my chest during that little moment, as I was nearly decapitated by the stupid shoulder strap safety belt. Are there any statistics on death by shoulder strap?

In August and September we have the gnat plague. Where in the world do gnats come from? Honestly, there is no food sitting out, nothing like that….they just appear like clockwork. In August. They stay for two months and the family chases them around with the bug zapper before they disappear, or are inadvertently eaten, as they are always in my way while fixing dinner. Um…they look like pepper. Sorry. I looked gnats up on the internet. They are a nuisance, but harmless and will not kill anyone if eaten. I don’t know why they come here. It’s one of life’s mysteries.

In late Fall and early winter the field mice decide that it is time for them to head toward their winter retreat. The retreat happens to be our garage, and if they are slick enough….the main living quarters. This does not set well with me. At all. I hate mice with a white hot passion. They mock me, as they scratch around in the walls. I find myself yelling at them ….and I know I am not imagining that I hear the faint sound of laughter. Go ahead and laugh! It’s all fun and games until I start laying out glue traps. Stinkin’ little fur balls. Then who will be laughing? I digress…….mice put me in a precarious mental state.

We are currently battling a horse fly population that has reached biblical proportions. Now, before I moved to Ohio I thought I had seen horse flies. I was wrong….at least not like these. These flies are the huge. Their heads are the size of my thumb nail. I am not kidding. One has to make a run for it when leaving or entering the house. If one should linger too long on the deck, there is a great possibility that said person could possibly be carried off by the mutant horse fly gang. They dive bomb anyone on the deck, like miniature Kamikaze pilots.

I better go. I’m heading out to the deck.

I think I’ll take the electric bug zapper with me. It reminds me of a lightsaber.

Just call me Luke Skywalker.

Who Let The Birds In?

The Birds  - Alfred Hitchcock

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!!!

It happened this morning while I was sitting on the toilet. Once again, I was minding my own business when I heard it. It started as a scratching sound and went into full blown flapping of wings. The vent that was to the side of me and above my head, the vent that one can hear attic noises in…it would have scared the pee out of me, if I hadn’t already done that. As I was sitting there and all the flapping commenced, I had a brief Alfred Hitchcock moment. What if that bird comes in through the bathroom vent and in a fit of terror, pecks me to death? First spiders try to attack me in the bathroom, and then a stinkin’ mouse, now a crazed bird. And the thing is….this is a BRAND NEW house. We do not live in a dump that any vermin can just call home. Wait a minute. I guess we do live in a house that vermin can call home. (and no I’m not talking about me and my family)

1. Now someone (not me) is going to have to go up to the attic and find the scared bird and shoo it out a window. How it got in, I do not know. I suggest the brave soul wear a plastic shield over their face, in case the bird DOES pull an Alfred Hitchcock. I don’t even want to think about the fact that a scared bird has probably poo’d on our valuable possessions in the attic. Sigh. I hope our Christmas decorations will not have white goop on them.

2. We caught a mouse behind the kitchen trashcan. I am about over the mouse situation. I do not care if we moved to the country. I do not care that we live in a field. I do not care that the walls of our house are warm and snug for a mouse’s home. I do not like scratchy noises in the walls. I do not like a mouse to be heard as I am fixing my morning breakfast. As God as my witness, if a mouse comes flying out at me when I open a cabinet in the wee hours of the morning–when I’m not even fully awake I will not rest until it is DEAD. The neighbors 5 miles down the road will hear me screaming and running around like a wild banshee. Hey people, I’m not dealing well with this. It was rats that carried the Bubonic Plague you know…I have a right not to want them in my house. Okay, fine. So these are field mice the size of my pinky finger, still they could be KILLERS.  Has anyone seen the movie, Mouse Hunt? That is my life!

3. I killed a honkin’ big black spider in the laundry room yesterday. Seriously, HONKIN’ big. I smashed him with my trusty flip flop. I still had those in the shoe bin out there. Flip flops are the best spider killers because they are light and flexible. BLAM. He is smooshed. That’s what he gets. No sympathy from me. I left his guts on the wall as a warning to other 8 legged creepy crawlies who think that the laundry room is their home. I’ve got news for them. IT IS NOT. I still do not like spiders, but I’ve gotten braver as time has gone on. And as long as I have a flip flop and a can of Raid, I think I’m good to go.

Wait a minute…..I just heard something.