Why?

Why on car

I’ve spent a lot of my life asking questions. Not always out loud. I want to know the “why” behind things. What is the reasoning? What is the point?

How come? Why not? Are you sure? Does this make sense? Is this right? What do you think?

I still wrestle with the “why” questions of  life.

This past year, in the Grief Share group that I facilitate with my husband, one lady (that speaks on the DVD) talked about the fact that she is directionally challenged, can’t program her own VCR, and doesn’t know how to change the oil in her car… and yet she expects to understand the why of her husband’s death? She went on to say that if she, who had difficulty with day to day chores, could understand God and how He thinks, wouldn’t that make God small? Wouldn’t that be putting the God of the universe in a neat, little, understandable box?  We as humans with finite minds will never be able to completely understand an infinite God.

To hear her speak was humbling…

because, so many times that is me.

I was reminded… once again…

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55: 8-9 NIV

Yes, Lord.

And I am humbled.

A Moment Of Clarity

People Praying

Image by Old Shoe Woman via Flickr

Waiting is hard.

I want to DO something. I want to BE something. I want to SEE the plan.

At times I feel confined. Restrained. Broken…from the waiting. Frustrations seem more than I can handle at times.

I long to know the plan. I want to see what is around the bend.  Get all the tools I need. Be prepared.

Waiting is a struggle for me. In my journal I highlighted these words from a man who understands waiting. Charles Swindoll once said, “Lord, this is your battle. This is your need you’ve allowed me to trust you for…and I’m waiting for You to do it. I’m waiting for as long as necessary for You to do the impossible.”  I contemplate this man’s words.

Waiting is not passive. It is difficult. It takes a great deal of my effort to remain still, to trust, to obey. I am not too proud to admit that there have been times in my life, that I’ve argued with God. Times that I have asked, “Why?!” , “Why me?!”, “What good will come from this?” or ” Lord, I want this so badly, why won’t you allow it?” Arguing with God is exhausting.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. (Isaiah 55:8  NIV) And if I’m honest with myself, do I really want a God that I completely understand? That I would understand all His “why’s” ? That I could keep in a small box?  I have trouble understanding tax codes, how to drive a stick shift, or work my MP3 player. If I could understand God, wouldn’t that make Him small?

The questions of my heart rise to the surface and I am forced to consider what I really believe. About myself, and more importantly about God.

God, do you really love me? Do you care? Didn’t you create me for something greater than this?

The answer is a resounding YES to all three questions.

Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. (1 John 4:10 KJV)

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7 NIV)

So, I wait.

Father, please give me the grace to wait patiently on You.