Holiday Preview

Physical (Olivia Newton-John song)

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Yesterday I received my first Christmas catalog in the mail. Actually, it was addressed to my husband Scott. He cares nothing about it…so I confiscated it for myself, because we all know how I am about mail. The catalog is Hammacher Schlemmer, “Offering the Best, the Only and the Unexpected for 162 years.”

1. I love to peruse catalogs.

2. Any catalog will do.

3. I think it might be an illness.

4. For a mere $250 I can get myself a personal media viewer.

5. Pretty much a pair of futuristic sunglasses that hooks to my DVD player, video game player, ipod.

6. I could live in virtual reality.

7. Forever.

8. Would that be such a bad thing?

9. Hmmm….a voice interactive alarm clock.

10. I can ask the clock what time it is. I can tell it what to do.

11. It would be better than having children.

12. Until it yells at me in the morning to get my lazy tail out of bed.

13. Then I would want to divorce it.

14. Hey, advanced speech recognition clock…TAKE THIS!

15. Smash.

16……Mr. alarm clock, you are not the boss of me!

17. The Better Peephole Gizmo.

18. It attaches to one’s door where a normal peephole would be.

19. It kind of looks like a small digital camera.

20. It gives a crisp, clear picture of who is standing outside my door.

21. In case it is Jack The Ripper or something.

22. Or the UPS guy, who could possibly BE Jack The Ripper, how would I know?

23. At least I’d be able to see him in full digital imaging.

24. Before I opened the door and he got me.

25. Just Sayin’.

26. I’m diggin’ the Headache Relieving Wrap.

27. It wraps around one’s head while providing “soothing, consistent pressure”.

28. It has gel packs in it, for cold or hot. Your choice.

29. It’s all fine and dandy until the thing malfunctions and my head pops off.

30. Besides I think it would make me look like Olivia Newton John.

32. In her headband from her Let’s Get Physical video. Circa 1980’s.

33. Let’s see….The Tabletop Cotton Candy Maker?

34. That is exactly what my family would need.

35. A contraption that spins carnival-worthy cotton candy.

36. I wonder if there is something in the fine print about paying for dentist visits due to cavities.

37. Because my kids would become cotton candy makers, extraordinaire.

38. And they’d end up looking like Ma and Pa with not a tooth in their young heads.

40. The Autonomous Robotic Vacuum.

41. I’m all for assistance in the cleaning department.

42. This thinga ma bob even returns to the mother ship on its own when its batteries need recharged.

43. Of course I’ve watched too much Sci-fi.

44. I’d worry that the vacuum would attack me in my sleep.

45. And probe my brain. Then suck it out.

46. What little there is.

47. Sigh.

48. That Room Tidying Pickup Robot and I could be fast friends. He’s mighty cute.

49. And helpful….though my house tidying might kill him.

50. Or he might decide to take over the world. Whichever comes first.