Sick And Tired Of Feeling Sick And Tired

Can I be honest with you? I’m feeling kind of sorry for myself. Yes, I admit it. I’m having a “why me” pity party today. Maybe I’ll feel better if I tell my story. It has been a long time coming…….

I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, also known as, autoimmune thyroid disease and chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis, decades ago….as a young teenager. The doctor put me on meds and told me I’d be taking them for the rest of my life, because my body was pretty much destroying my thyroid. (my paraphrase, but that was the gist) At fourteen, what did I know about the thyroid or what it did?  I can honestly say, not much. I was obedient and took my medicine every day, but was completely clueless about all the other symptoms I suffered from, and all the ways the thyroid hormone (or lack thereof) can effect a person.

Over the years, I suffered from heat intolerance (when I get too hot, I truly get physically sick), bouts of hypoglycemia, weight issues (even with proper diet and exercise), dry skin, dry eyes (I had to quit wearing contacts), bloating, body aches (especially my shoulders and neck), fatigue, food intolerances (that I discovered later in life because I was just so used to feeling lousy that it was my “normal”), low progesterone, gut issues, and gluten sensitivity.

There are much worse things in life than having an autoimmune disease, this is true…..but, having health issues that no one can actually see can sometimes be disheartening. Being the one that can’t eat this or that is hard when friends and family want to go out to a restaurant. I love the more laid back schedules of summer, but literally can’t deal with the heat and humidity, going to the pool does nothing for me. I live most of my days with not enough sleep, because I have stuff to do, so feeling tired is a common thing.

About five years ago, at age 41, I suddenly had cramps in my stomach so bad, that I can only describe it as similar to labor contractions. You ladies that have had children, you know what i mean. I was doubled over. My husband wanted to take me to the emergency room. I wouldn’t let him. I was miserable for a couple of days…..and stubborn…..and probably a bit stupid for not going. I figured out that it was milk that was doing me in. I had drank milk my whole life. I loved it, but got to a point where it no longer loved me. I quit drinking my beloved milk. A few months later I wasn’t thinking and had a custard dessert that didn’t have milk, but heavy cream. Bam. Back to being doubled over. Then came the ice cream. It didn’t cramp me up, but did give me stomach aches. Blast! I cried over the ice cream. Seriously, people. Dairy was no longer my friend, we had become arch enemies.

Time passed and about year ago, I said to God (and yes, I talk to Him about it), “I’m tired of feeling sick and tired”. I started researching, and feel that He led me to some really good information on Hashimoto’s, gluten sensitivity especially in Hashi’s patients, dairy and soy triggers that also effect Hashi’s patients, and various groups of women (and a few men) that are living this autoimmune life. I have probably learned more in the past year about autoimmunity than I did in all the other years combined. I wish I had realized all the pieces to this puzzle sooner, but am grateful that I finally decided to take control of my own health. As much as I have liked my doctors over the years, they couldn’t know everything. Honestly, it has only been in about the last fifteen years that more and more research has come out about the relationship between autoimmune diseases and the gut. If the gut ain’t happy, ain’t no one gonna be healthy. Bad grammar in that sentence, I know, but I’m keeping it real. (interesting article about Hashi’s and the immune system)

So, anyway…..I have tried Trim Healthy Mama this whole year. I lost thirty pounds and quit sugar because of their approach and think it is a great lifestyle. With that said, I still have the gluten sensitivity, and dairy/soy issues that I need to address so I am on my first day of the Autoimmune Paleo diet. The first thirty days are the hardest. It is very restrictive because it is an elimination diet. All the things that could possibly be triggers for someone with autoimmune disease are out! I’m basically eating meat, lots of veggies and fruit, certain herbs and spices, you get the gist. I’m doing this because my goal is to feel better.

It is hard. I’m not going to lie.

But, I’m so very tired of not feeling as well as I know I could.

Heal Our Bodies

I wrote this entry, and then forgot to post it over the weekend. I had good intentions…but, then….well. So, here is my post that I meant to put on my blog yesterday. Hopefully, my forgetfulness will not be an omen for how the rest of my week will go.

The last post in my weekend gut health series will be introducing Dave Asprey. I listened to his interview at the Healthy Gut Summit 2015, sponsored by Donna Gates of Body Ecology. His segment was entitled, BioHacking The Gut. Dave stated that he had bio-hacked his own biology. He lost one hundred pounds and upgraded his brain (and IQ). Dave is a blogger and podcaster, and a Silicon Valley entrepreneur. If you ever heard of or tried “bullet proof” coffee, he is the man behind the scenes of this fast growing, healthy coffee, trend.

I was intrigued by what this man had to say, from his very first words during the interview. He started by talking about MCT oil. Some of you may know what that is, others may not…..so I’ll give you his brief description from his Bullet Proof site.< MCT is> “Medium-chain triglycerides (MCTs) work directly in cells to give you an extra boost to maximize your performance.  Very little MCT oil is stored as fat because it is used for energy so quickly!”

MCT oil will re-awaken the thyroid (which regulates your metabolism), and give a burst of energy. We already know that coconut oil is anti-fungal, anti-yeast, and fat burning…it actually helps to put our bodies in ketosis mode. Ketosis is a normal metabolic process, something your body does to keep working. When it doesn’t have enough carbohydrates from food for your cells to burn for energy, it burns fat instead. As part of this process, it makes ketones. (WebMD. 2015. What is Ketosis?) According to Dave, his MCT oil is 6x more powerful than coconut oil.

In his bullet proof coffee, he calls for good, organic coffee, real butter or ghee from grass fed cows, and some of that power packed MCT oil. The coffee comes out smooth and creamy with a bit of froth on top, reminiscent of a hot latte. By the way, real butter contains butyric acid which helps gut lining, and reduces brain inflammation. (an interesting article on butter from Dr. Mercola) It is great to drink (or eat) wonderful creaminess and to know that it is also extremely healthy. Who could ask for more? If you are not a big fan of coffee, MCT oil and it’s benefits, can also be used when cooking, and in soups to enhance the flavor of whatever it is that is being cooked.

Eating clean, and eating “real” foods will help us to lose weight, gain energy, and heal our bodies.

Health And Nutrition

Today’s post is about what I learned from Dr. Josh Axe at the Healthy Gut Summit 2015. I have to mention that Dr. Axe is one of my favorite “go to” guys for all things health and nutrition related. During the Summit he discussed autoimmunity and how it affects the gut, or maybe I should say how the gut affects autoimmunity.

If a person has an autoimmune disease, in layman’s terms, the person’s body is having an abnormal immune response. There is an immune attack on the body’s tissue. It causes inflamed or leaky gut among many other symptoms. (If one has leaky gut, substances escape through the lining of the gut, out into the body, the body detects it and has an automatic immune attack). According to the American Autoimmune Related Diseases Association (AARDA), autoimmune diseases affect up to 50 million Americans. Dr. Pamela Smith, who spent 20 years as an ER doctor and now works in functional and nutritional medicine and was at the Healthy Gut Summit said that there are now 104 different autoimmune diseases! That is staggering to think about. If you, yourself, are not affected by an autoimmune disease, I’m pretty sure you probably know someone who is. (a list of the different types of autoimmune diseases)

Dr. Axe stated that a leaky gut causes inflammation which causes food intolerances and autoimmunity. Some symptoms might be bloating, fatigue, skin issues, weight gain, or adrenal fatigue. It is not all bad news…..there are ways to heal the gut, and in turn help you feel better. Stay away from grain and sugar (two big foods that cause inflammation in the body). Get serious about not eating genetically modified foods (GMO’s). Conventional dairy is hard on the gut and vegetable oils are not healthy fats. A diet high is phytic acid causes a myriad number of problems. On his site he states, “Phytic acid (phytate) is a mineral blocker and enzyme inhibitor found in grains, nuts, seeds and beans which can serious health problems in our diets.The main reason phytic acid has become an issue today is because we have stopped ancient food preparation techniques such as sprouting or sourdough fermentation which kills off the phytic acid.

According to research published in the The Lancet a diet high in phytic acid will create mineral deficiencies and cause osteoporosis…” (see what else Dr. Axe says about phytic acid--a very interesting article)

Instead, we should eat foods for healing! Foods that are easy to digest, plenty of vegetables and fruits, saturated fats, and the essential amino acids of proline and glycine (found in bone broth). Read about these amazing amino acids, here.

Educating one’s self on how to eat clean, and eat for optimum health should be everyones goal! There are many wonderful foods out there, that will allow us to feel better, look better, and have more energy. None of us should settle for the Standard American Diet (SAD).

Cleaning Up The Gut

For today’s post, I am writing about clean eating for gut health. I will be discussing what I learned from cardiologist, and integrative medical doctor, Alejandro Junger. He has written several books on how to eat clean, and detoxify our bodies. During this session I had many “a ha” moments, realizing much of what he said applied directly to me! I was fascinated with his interview during the Gut Summit, and am putting into personal practice several of the things he discussed. I would love to share some of the information I learned, with the hope that you too will learn something new and helpful.

He began by discussing “leaky gut”, which is particularly interesting to me, because that is something I struggle with. He said, “the gut is the root of health”. It is the beginning of immunity. Before doing my research, I had no idea how closely the gut and immune system worked together. I also did not realize the gut-brain connection. For me, it is exciting to realize that I really can make a difference in my health!

Inflammation causes much damage in our bodies, and most of the health issues individuals have, are due to inflammation somewhere in the body. So the question is, “How do we lessen or completely get rid of inflammation?” Dr. Junger suggests that a lot of people are so much better off if they eliminate the toxic trigger foods that cause inflammation in the gut. For many people these trigger foods have to do with dairy, sugar, coffee, alcohol, and gluten in the diet. Each person is different, and sometimes it is trial and error to see what your trigger foods might be that are causing you to feel blah, bloated, or having to run to the bathroom. It is also important to take good prebiotics (the things the good bacteria in our gut requires) and probiotics (the good bacteria that live in our gut). Here is an article by Dr. Michael Smith of WebMD, that explains both probiotics and prebiotics.

Dr. Junger stated that a large amount of serotonin is made in the gut. So you might be thinking, “that is interesting, but what exactly is serotonin and why is it important?” I looked up a brief description of serotonin in Wikipedia to give us an idea of its importance to us and our well being.

This is what I found: Serotonin /ˌsɛrəˈtoʊnɨn/ or 5-hydroxytryptamine (5-HT) is a monoamine neurotransmitter. Biochemically derived from tryptophan, serotonin is primarily found in the gastrointestinal tract (GI tract), platelets, and the central nervous system(CNS) of animals, including humans. It is popularly thought to be a contributor to feelings of well-being and happiness.

Approximately 90% of the human body‘s total serotonin is located in the enterochromaffin cells in the GI tract, where it is used to regulate intestinal movements. The remainder is synthesized in serotonergic neurons of the CNS, where it has various functions. These include the regulation of mood, appetite, and sleep. Serotonin also has some cognitive functions, including memory and learning. Modulation of serotonin at synapses is thought to be a major action of several classes of pharmacological antidepressants.

No wonder Dr. Junger said, if someone is not making enough serotonin in the gut, it can cause stress! Life is always going to have some stress, but if we can help our bodies to deal with it more constructively, by taking care of our gut, we can lessen the detrimenatal effects of stress on our overall health and well being.

Come back next weekend and learn more fascinating and beneficial information about gut health!

Trust Your Gut

Those of us that are on a journey to better health, have come to realize that there are many things that we can do to help ourselves to not only look better, but to also feel better. Proper exercise, reduction in stress, getting enough rest…..all important for sure, but I have come to realize that the most important and crucial thing that we can ever do for ourselves, comes in the form of what we eat, because what we eat is our only source of fuel and nutrition.

Over the next few Sundays I will be doing a series on what I learned at The Healthy Gut Summit 2015. This Summit was created and sponsored by Donna Gates of Body Ecology. Her website states, “After years of extensive study, Body Ecology founder Donna Gates created a back-to-basics approach to restoring health and vitality by understanding the invaluable balance of the human body’s “inner ecology”. Often forgotten or unconsidered, probiotics and enzymes are crucial to a healthy and efficient internal system. When this system is out of balance, a host of medical issues and conditions can arise.” She invited both medical doctors and academic doctors, as well as other individuals in the healthcare field, to explain their research and findings.

The gut (seven key organs…these include the gall bladder, large intestine, liver, oesophagus, pancreas, small intestine and stomach) has often times been called the “second brain”, because there is an undeniable connection between the gut and the brain. According to Dr. Mark Hyman, MD, a functional medicine doctor, “the ultra prevention <is in the gut>….if your gut’s not healthy, you’re not healthy”.

He went on to discuss the top four enemies of gut health. 1. Processed food 2. Hybridized and genetically modified foods (GMO) 3. Stress and environmental toxins 4. Gut busting drugs (such as, antibiotics, aspirin, anti-inflammatory drugs, and antacids).

Most of us, unless we are making a concerted effort, find it easy to fall into the processed food trap. I know, for myself, before I started my own health and wellness journey it was convenient to grab foods on the go. I might not have been eating a lot of food, but it definitely was not the right food. Those foods that come in boxes, have preservatives for longer shelf life, or whose ingredients are filled with chemicals or weird names that are difficult to pronounce.

I will be talking more about genetically modified foods in another post, but for now I will relay this: There is correlational data on the long term effects of GMO’s on the human body. Genetically modified foods have been linked to autism, diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, allergies, IBD, irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, peritonitis, deaths from intestinal infection and dementia diseases. (Smith, Jeffrey)

Stress, we all face it. There really is no way to get away from it, unless we live in a bubble. How we deal with the stresses of day to day life is what makes the difference. Chronic stress is toxic to the gut. It promotes leaky gut, which creates holes in “the netting” of the intestines, allowing vitamins/minerals/food particles to escape into the blood stream. This causes food intolerances and autoimmunity. Stress also decreases blood flow, increases stress hormones, and causes inflammatory responses.

Lastly, one of the enemies of the gut is what some doctors refer to as “gut busting” drugs. These drugs, that I mentioned earlier, might be necessary to make some one well, but they can kill the good bacteria in the gut. Being aware of the consequences  of taking an antibiotic, will allow you to realize you need to replace the depleted good gut bacteria by taking some good probiotics/enzymes and by eating those foods that carry those probiotics, naturally.

I will leave you with Dr. Hyman’s “Five R’s of Gut Care”. 1. Remove (the enemies of the gut ) 2. Replace ( with good habits)  3. Reinoculate (give your gut the good probiotics and enzymes that it needs ) 4. Repair (work on healing the gut ) 5. Relax              ( remember excessive stress is harmful to the body )

Come back next Sunday for my post on clean eating and the gut.

Reminders

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Evening chores, mundane moments…trudged through in habit.

Occupied thoughts amidst the sounds of hungry animals.

Staring out across the yard as the evening sun slips quietly into the night.

Ears attuned to the sounds. Dogs barking in the distance, frogs grunting, llamas humming, and that lone train whistle.

Familiar sounds.

Reminders of where she is, and who she is.

Reminders of how different her life is now.

Reminders of how life changes, people grow, lessons are learned, friends made, memories kept.

The unusually cool breeze stirs the field grass and it’s chill feels good on the skin.

The kitchen light pours through the front window and pools in the growing darkness.

She’s counting all the good things in her head, as she walks back to the house………

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For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a futureThen you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV

 

 

 

 

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Friendship

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on:

::

Friend…

*******************************************************************************************

Besties and BFF’s

She just “gets” me

Anytime phone calls and “I got your back”

Secrets and sharing moments

Walking together and running into the future

Road trips to here, there, everywhere and no where in particular

Toasts, and cheers and celebrations

Emails and messages

Sweatpants and no make-up and bad hair days

Tears and fights and “I can’t believe you did that!”

Laughter, lots of laughter and camaraderie

Acting like women, but giggling like girls

Silliness and seriousness all in the same face

Bridesmaids, pregnancy, and the growing up years.

Sharing stories, and gaining confidence

Memories that will forever remain

Distance doesn’t matter, and it is easy to take up where you left off

Copying recipes and finding the perfect flea market

Asking opinions and then saying, “You’re crazy!”

Holding a hand, wiping the tears and mending a heart

Just being there and not saying a word…because you don’t have to…

Sharing a life and baring your soul

This is………being a friend.

Friendship, one of God’s greatest gifts.

Proverbs 17:17
A friend loves at all times…

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Pulling Off The Mask

She poured her heart out as she told his story. The woman on the screen, giving testimony to the young man’s mask of pain. The ladies in the Bible study listened intently, understanding that all to often, we too, wear the mask. The mask that hides the less than perfect, the heartbroken, the feelings of lacking.

Masked. (Photo credit: .Andi.)

Let’s be honest.

But, that is so difficult. It feels wrong to admit.

The mask begins to crack.

The mirror shows the lines that are around the eyes. Every mark on the scale causes anxiety. Too exhausted to exercise. The house needs cleaned and the laundry done. Dishes are in the sink and the family needs a healthy meal. Deadlines need to be met. Bills are due and the cat just puked. I’m up to my knees in mud and the roof has a leak. Kids going here and there and husband just wants some face time. Stress level is high and the report is due. Energy lags and the days can seem so long.

This life will never be in a lay out for Better Homes and Gardens.

Surely, others have it more together than I do.

The ladies in the group, breathe in the confession. They slowly shake their heads. We all suffer from the pinching of the mask, as it covers

who we really are.

Oh, God! Why do we do this to ourselves? Trying to be perfect and have it all together, when the heart feels the struggle?

Help us, Lord to give up the mask. It doesn’t fit anyway.

Love is a better cover.

Love for ones self…and for others.

Because no one is perfect, and it feels good to just breathe.

The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”  Mark 12:31 NIV

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Graduate Level Class

To all my readers,

I am currently taking a graduate level class on speech and language development in children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. I will be using my blog once or twice a week to post my writing assignments. I realize that this is a bit more in depth than you are used to reading from me, but who knows you might learn something new and interesting!

Thanks for taking the time to read:)

Kennis, Sounds Like Dennis

This coming Sunday will be the 12th anniversary of Kennis’ death. Much has changed since that fateful day in early November of 2000. There are times when it all seems surreal. My life has changed a lot in twelve years. I am not the same person that I was back then, and yet the beginning of November always brings back the memories.

(Today I am pulling some posts from my blog archives.)

Remembering Kennis…

 

Knoxville, TN, as seen from the top edge of Neyland Stadium (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My late husband‘s brother mentioned to me the other day that this weekend would be difficult for him. You see, my late husband and his brother were twins. Their birthday is this coming Sunday. If my husband had lived he would have been celebrating his 44th birthday. His birthday coming up, has allowed me to remember… I have a picture of him from his 26th birthday. It was him eating a piece of hot fudge cake at Darryl‘s restaurant in Knoxville, Tennessee. We were newlyweds (2 1/2 months) at the time. Goofy and laughing–with no idea what was ahead for us. I guess it was better that way. The not knowing…

Time went on… and I also remember his last birthday. Kennis and I and our children along with his parents, had gone to a seafood restaurant in Dandridge, Tennessee. We had a good time that night. He was celebrating being 34, in the midst of a chronic illness and an incurable heart disease. I remember us all riding in the car back home. We had a nice evening together. Little did any of us know how soon life as we knew it, would change. I’m glad we didn’t know what was ahead of us. I guess it was better that way. The not knowing…

Three weeks later Kennis died. Just 3 weeks into his 34th year….and life changed for all of us that knew and loved him.

“Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.” (Hope Floats)

I wrote this blog two years ago as a memorial to Kennis. It was a hard blog entry to write. The memories were very vivid. I still remember them as if they just happened yesterday. It does not seem possible that nearly a decade has gone by.

For those of you that are new readers to my blog, I warn you this blog will be difficult to read…..but, it is me, being real.

 

 

In Memory of Kennis—

DISCLAIMER: Be aware that this blog entry will have some things in it that might be difficult or painful to read.

Back in August I did a blog about the memory of my husband’s late wife, Nancy.  Now, it is my turn to do a blog entry about my late husband, Kennis. This Tuesday will not just be election day, but also the day that marks the eighth anniversary of my first husband’s death.  Honestly, I can hardly believe eight years have gone by. It seems like a lifetime ago.

In late October of 2000 I was vacuuming in our living room. Vacuuming like a mad woman. My life was out of control. My husband was chronically ill. He was dying. We had a lot of medical bills. My life revolved around taking care of him….. I was vacuuming and keeping things in order because it was something I had control over…when everything else was so out of control.  On this particular evening my husband said to me in a premonition of what was to come, “Dawn come here and sit with me. The vacuuming can wait. Sit here with me because you know I won’t be here forever. I’m dying.” I in an angry voice replied, ” No, you won’t! I don’t want to hear you talk like that.” ” Yes. Come and sit over here with me.” Little did I know how quickly his words would become my reality……..November 4, 2000 was a Saturday. Kennis was brought to the hospital by me, the afternoon before with extreme pain. (He had a chronic heart condition that he had been diagnosed with the year before at the ripe old age of 32 years and 8 months) He was okay that morning and we talked and laughed. Some of his family visited and we watched the University of Tenn. play against the University of SC. After the game everyone left and it was just the two of us. Things seemed okay… Kennis called me over to his hospital bed, reached his arms up and pulled me close. “You know I love you, right?”, he said in his deep mellow voice. ” Of course”, I replied as I gazed up at him.  Moments later my husband yanked his IV’s out. I didn’t understand. I remember being confused as I stared at the crimson stains on the white hospital sheets….his voice echoing in my head….” I have to get up. I have to get up NOW! I need to exercise. I can’t just lay here. I have to run in the hallway!” I grabbed the nurses button and started screaming, ” Help me! Someone help me, PLEASE! Dear God, HELP ME!” Nurses came running in to Kennis’ room asking him questions like, “What is your name? Who is the president? What day is it?” Sometimes he answered correctly, sometimes not. I said, “What is the matter with him?” (I later found out lack of oxygen made him talk out of his mind.) They just shook their heads….and got some new sheets. Kennis laid back down….but not for long. He got back up. He was screaming at me. I KNEW something was terribly, terribly wrong. I screamed again as this time, my husband slumped over in the chair next to his bed.  His eyes rolled back. All I could see was the white of his eyes. At that moment I knew my husband was gone. I stood like a statue staring at him, my feet felt like I had concrete in them. I couldn’t move…even as the nurses and doctors crowded into the room yelling, “He’s coding!” I vaguely remember a nurse leading me to another room on the same floor to wait. As I waited, Kennis’ mother and father arrived. They had no idea what was going on and were escorted to the room I was in.

Much later the emergency room doctor and Kennis’ cardiologist walked in. The emergency room doctor looked directly at me….and I know how hard it must have been for him…. “Mrs. Satterfield we lost your husband. I’m so sorry. I worked on him for 45 minutes straight. I couldn’t bring myself to stop even though we could never get a solid heartbeat. I didn’t want to give up because he was so young with a young family. I’m so very sorry.” At first I was confused…you lost him? Where is he at? Then I said, ” you mean he is dead.” I didn’t cry. I actually thanked him for his effort. It was all very strange, that I felt I should be polite. I guess that is the body’s way of coping with extremely painful news. Don’t think. Just do.  Though I was quiet, Kennis’ mom let out the most mournful scream I’ve ever heard. It made the hairs on my arms stand up, like with goosebumps. She slumped on her husband saying, “not my baby boy. not my baby boy. Dear Jesus, why my baby boy?” I remember at that very moment I felt worse for her then I did for myself…I lost my spouse, but she had lost her son. Thinking about our own 5 year old son who at the time was with my mother, I couldn’t begin to imagine the pain of losing a child.

Over the days that followed my family and friends were there to support me. They helped me every step of the way. They helped my son, and me to not feel alone. Life started to be a new kind of normal for us. It wasn’t the same mind you…it never would be the same, but life could be good again. Indeed, it has been good. God, in scripture, told me that He is a defender of widows and a father to the fatherless. He would never leave me. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t know the Lord. My hopelessness was replaced with hope. My grief was replaced with peace. It didn’t happen immediately, and there were days that were difficult…but God carried me through the most difficult times and brought me out on the other side.  Scripture also tells me, and I believe that God allows us to go through certain trials so that we can help others when they are in similar trials. I understand things now that it would have been impossible for me to understand had I not had to walk through the valley.

Shortly after my husband’s funeral I was cleaning in our bedroom. Trying to straighten things up…it was something to do, you know what I mean. I was trying to stay busy. I looked over at our dresser and noticed a piece of paper that I hadn’t seen there before. It was a scripture verse that had been written out in my husband’s own handwriting. I gently picked it up and read the familiar scrawl. This scripture was a message to me. A message from a wonderful and loving God. He gave me this message to read. A message that He had also given Kennis. “However, as it is written: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.” (I Corinthians 2:9) What peace I had after reading that. Thank you Lord.

When I think of my late husband I think of truck driving, and NASCAR, Earnhardt, and baseball caps. Woodworking and cooking. Grill master, canning and apple pies. He loved the University of Tennessee football, and his white pick up truck. He loved his daughters and son. He’d try to fix anything and if he couldn’t then he’d fake it:) I remember trips to the Bahamas, Florida and St. Louis. I remember the week I spent with him in the big rig. (and realized I could never do that! haha.) Memories tucked away in my mind…

My life has changed much since this day…I have gone on living. I am now able to think about Kennis and celebrate his life and all that he was, instead of staying in mourning. God has indeed blessed me and I appreciate each day now, much more than I ever did.

My late husband was very much like the prodigal son of the Bible. When he found out he was going to die, I believe he began to understand God much more. His relationship with Christ changed,  as they walked together through the valley of the shadow of death. Changed in a way that I honestly cannot really understand because I’ve not been there. Because my husband knew the Lord personally, I have no doubt that he is with Him in heaven. More alive today than he ever was here on earth. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

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