It Has Been Far Too Long

Today marks exactly four months since I have posted. That is far too long.

I just celebrated my 51st birthday this past week. I am still not quite sure how I feel about being 51, not that I have much choice about my age. The saying about time not stopping for anyone is true. Although some of my days have seemed long, the years have moved swiftly.

There are things that I am passionate about, and other things that mean very little to me. Over the years I’ve learned to be more mindful of what I say and do in my daily life. I actually attempt to slow down and ask myself, “Is this important? Is is relevant to me? Will it make a positive difference?” And yes, long before I ever heard of Marie Kondo, I’d ask if this action is bringing me joy? With that being said, I am going to share some of those parts of my life that matter.

1. People matter. Relationships. Talking with my husband. Cards from my mom. Texts from my sister that make me laugh. Watching my kids as young adults, making decisions. Grandchildren that I would do anything for. Coffee with a friend. Smiles from complete strangers. Listening to other’s stories. Responding to people. Hearing them. Really seeing them. This network of people that hold the strings of life together.
2. Time is valuable. What do I choose to spend my time on? Finally realizing after all these years that it is okay to take time for me, to relax. To be quiet. To read. To just breathe. It is not a waste of time to do nothing in particular. Some days that is the best way to spend valuable minutes.
3. My relationship with Jesus. Not just a church icon. Not the Sunday School picture version of Jesus. Not church ritual or a holiday necessity. Jesus, the only Son of the living God. The One who knows me by name and sees me in both my good and my bad and loves me. I am reminded of what it means to be a follower of Christ. It is not always easy, in fact most times it is not easy. People laugh. They shake their heads. I want to see them as Christ does, people drowning in their own selves, not even aware of their need for a Savior, but loving them anyway. Years ago I was that person. In a broken world, full of hurting people, I need to be light in the darkness.
4. Do my passions align with my time is valuable? Relationships are important? Following Jesus? I don’t want to waste myself on things that don’t really matter. I give my time to advocacy for those with disabilities, bringing awareness to human trafficking/sex trafficking especially of minors, education and research on vaccines and medical freedom, and teaching children how to be lifelong learners. I will never be rich from my passions, but these things definitely light up my spirit. What things make you a warrior?

No matter your age, what are some things that make your life better?

Happy Birthday

I looked at the pregnancy test one more time.

Yep, it said positive!

I let my excitement show through a scream of delight.

I was going to be a mommy!

My son made his appearance the following May, after hours of hard labor.

His cry split the air, and changed my world forever.

Nineteen years have come and gone since that time I first heard his voice.

No longer a child, now a young man.

He still carries his mom’s heart with him…

no matter how many years have passed.

**********************************************************************

Today I am thankful for: 

* my son’s birthday

* being a mommy

* less than 2 weeks left of school

* Mocha icebox cake

* hugs

* birthday presents

* friendships

* beautiful warm sunshine

* unlimited possibilities

* God who makes all things possible

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENDRICK!!!!

 

Happy Birthday!

It was on this day eighteen years ago that my life changed forever…the day I became a mommy.

I was grateful for this day, because I realized that this day might never have been. My doctor’s words that had echoed in my heart,
“Your auto immune disease might make it difficult for you to even get pregnant.”, were now replaced with the hungry cries of my newborn son.

My perfectly formed, perfectly healthy, little boy. A gift from God.

Thank you, Jesus.

The last eighteen years have gone by far too quickly. Even as I type this post, I see him growing up. My memories are enveloped in each word.

My son is now a young adult. Independent. Making his own decisions.

I am so very proud of him.

But, no matter how old he gets, he will always be my dear child.

And, “I’ll love him, for always….as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KENDRICK!!!

Psalm 139:13-16  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

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Kennis, Sounds Like Dennis

This coming Sunday will be the 12th anniversary of Kennis’ death. Much has changed since that fateful day in early November of 2000. There are times when it all seems surreal. My life has changed a lot in twelve years. I am not the same person that I was back then, and yet the beginning of November always brings back the memories.

(Today I am pulling some posts from my blog archives.)

Remembering Kennis…

 

Knoxville, TN, as seen from the top edge of Neyland Stadium (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My late husband‘s brother mentioned to me the other day that this weekend would be difficult for him. You see, my late husband and his brother were twins. Their birthday is this coming Sunday. If my husband had lived he would have been celebrating his 44th birthday. His birthday coming up, has allowed me to remember… I have a picture of him from his 26th birthday. It was him eating a piece of hot fudge cake at Darryl‘s restaurant in Knoxville, Tennessee. We were newlyweds (2 1/2 months) at the time. Goofy and laughing–with no idea what was ahead for us. I guess it was better that way. The not knowing…

Time went on… and I also remember his last birthday. Kennis and I and our children along with his parents, had gone to a seafood restaurant in Dandridge, Tennessee. We had a good time that night. He was celebrating being 34, in the midst of a chronic illness and an incurable heart disease. I remember us all riding in the car back home. We had a nice evening together. Little did any of us know how soon life as we knew it, would change. I’m glad we didn’t know what was ahead of us. I guess it was better that way. The not knowing…

Three weeks later Kennis died. Just 3 weeks into his 34th year….and life changed for all of us that knew and loved him.

“Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.” (Hope Floats)

I wrote this blog two years ago as a memorial to Kennis. It was a hard blog entry to write. The memories were very vivid. I still remember them as if they just happened yesterday. It does not seem possible that nearly a decade has gone by.

For those of you that are new readers to my blog, I warn you this blog will be difficult to read…..but, it is me, being real.

 

 

In Memory of Kennis—

DISCLAIMER: Be aware that this blog entry will have some things in it that might be difficult or painful to read.

Back in August I did a blog about the memory of my husband’s late wife, Nancy.  Now, it is my turn to do a blog entry about my late husband, Kennis. This Tuesday will not just be election day, but also the day that marks the eighth anniversary of my first husband’s death.  Honestly, I can hardly believe eight years have gone by. It seems like a lifetime ago.

In late October of 2000 I was vacuuming in our living room. Vacuuming like a mad woman. My life was out of control. My husband was chronically ill. He was dying. We had a lot of medical bills. My life revolved around taking care of him….. I was vacuuming and keeping things in order because it was something I had control over…when everything else was so out of control.  On this particular evening my husband said to me in a premonition of what was to come, “Dawn come here and sit with me. The vacuuming can wait. Sit here with me because you know I won’t be here forever. I’m dying.” I in an angry voice replied, ” No, you won’t! I don’t want to hear you talk like that.” ” Yes. Come and sit over here with me.” Little did I know how quickly his words would become my reality……..November 4, 2000 was a Saturday. Kennis was brought to the hospital by me, the afternoon before with extreme pain. (He had a chronic heart condition that he had been diagnosed with the year before at the ripe old age of 32 years and 8 months) He was okay that morning and we talked and laughed. Some of his family visited and we watched the University of Tenn. play against the University of SC. After the game everyone left and it was just the two of us. Things seemed okay… Kennis called me over to his hospital bed, reached his arms up and pulled me close. “You know I love you, right?”, he said in his deep mellow voice. ” Of course”, I replied as I gazed up at him.  Moments later my husband yanked his IV’s out. I didn’t understand. I remember being confused as I stared at the crimson stains on the white hospital sheets….his voice echoing in my head….” I have to get up. I have to get up NOW! I need to exercise. I can’t just lay here. I have to run in the hallway!” I grabbed the nurses button and started screaming, ” Help me! Someone help me, PLEASE! Dear God, HELP ME!” Nurses came running in to Kennis’ room asking him questions like, “What is your name? Who is the president? What day is it?” Sometimes he answered correctly, sometimes not. I said, “What is the matter with him?” (I later found out lack of oxygen made him talk out of his mind.) They just shook their heads….and got some new sheets. Kennis laid back down….but not for long. He got back up. He was screaming at me. I KNEW something was terribly, terribly wrong. I screamed again as this time, my husband slumped over in the chair next to his bed.  His eyes rolled back. All I could see was the white of his eyes. At that moment I knew my husband was gone. I stood like a statue staring at him, my feet felt like I had concrete in them. I couldn’t move…even as the nurses and doctors crowded into the room yelling, “He’s coding!” I vaguely remember a nurse leading me to another room on the same floor to wait. As I waited, Kennis’ mother and father arrived. They had no idea what was going on and were escorted to the room I was in.

Much later the emergency room doctor and Kennis’ cardiologist walked in. The emergency room doctor looked directly at me….and I know how hard it must have been for him…. “Mrs. Satterfield we lost your husband. I’m so sorry. I worked on him for 45 minutes straight. I couldn’t bring myself to stop even though we could never get a solid heartbeat. I didn’t want to give up because he was so young with a young family. I’m so very sorry.” At first I was confused…you lost him? Where is he at? Then I said, ” you mean he is dead.” I didn’t cry. I actually thanked him for his effort. It was all very strange, that I felt I should be polite. I guess that is the body’s way of coping with extremely painful news. Don’t think. Just do.  Though I was quiet, Kennis’ mom let out the most mournful scream I’ve ever heard. It made the hairs on my arms stand up, like with goosebumps. She slumped on her husband saying, “not my baby boy. not my baby boy. Dear Jesus, why my baby boy?” I remember at that very moment I felt worse for her then I did for myself…I lost my spouse, but she had lost her son. Thinking about our own 5 year old son who at the time was with my mother, I couldn’t begin to imagine the pain of losing a child.

Over the days that followed my family and friends were there to support me. They helped me every step of the way. They helped my son, and me to not feel alone. Life started to be a new kind of normal for us. It wasn’t the same mind you…it never would be the same, but life could be good again. Indeed, it has been good. God, in scripture, told me that He is a defender of widows and a father to the fatherless. He would never leave me. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t know the Lord. My hopelessness was replaced with hope. My grief was replaced with peace. It didn’t happen immediately, and there were days that were difficult…but God carried me through the most difficult times and brought me out on the other side.  Scripture also tells me, and I believe that God allows us to go through certain trials so that we can help others when they are in similar trials. I understand things now that it would have been impossible for me to understand had I not had to walk through the valley.

Shortly after my husband’s funeral I was cleaning in our bedroom. Trying to straighten things up…it was something to do, you know what I mean. I was trying to stay busy. I looked over at our dresser and noticed a piece of paper that I hadn’t seen there before. It was a scripture verse that had been written out in my husband’s own handwriting. I gently picked it up and read the familiar scrawl. This scripture was a message to me. A message from a wonderful and loving God. He gave me this message to read. A message that He had also given Kennis. “However, as it is written: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.” (I Corinthians 2:9) What peace I had after reading that. Thank you Lord.

When I think of my late husband I think of truck driving, and NASCAR, Earnhardt, and baseball caps. Woodworking and cooking. Grill master, canning and apple pies. He loved the University of Tennessee football, and his white pick up truck. He loved his daughters and son. He’d try to fix anything and if he couldn’t then he’d fake it:) I remember trips to the Bahamas, Florida and St. Louis. I remember the week I spent with him in the big rig. (and realized I could never do that! haha.) Memories tucked away in my mind…

My life has changed much since this day…I have gone on living. I am now able to think about Kennis and celebrate his life and all that he was, instead of staying in mourning. God has indeed blessed me and I appreciate each day now, much more than I ever did.

My late husband was very much like the prodigal son of the Bible. When he found out he was going to die, I believe he began to understand God much more. His relationship with Christ changed,  as they walked together through the valley of the shadow of death. Changed in a way that I honestly cannot really understand because I’ve not been there. Because my husband knew the Lord personally, I have no doubt that he is with Him in heaven. More alive today than he ever was here on earth. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

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A Country Girl

A country girl at heart….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enjoying the wide open spaces and quiet places…..

Saturdays are meant for slowing down and letting time pass, laying in a hammock with a glass of iced tea.

******************************************************

Today is my son’s 17th birthday. Seventeen years ago today, he came into my life, and changed my life forever. Happy Birthday, Kendrick!

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Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday.  I was born in 1968.

1968. What?!  How can that be? That was such a long time ago…..

In honor of my special day, I thought I’d write a list. (Doesn’t everyone do that, on their special day?)

Forty-four things I’ve learned about life and myself:

1. Days can seem long, but life is short.

2. Time doesn’t stop…it doesn’t even slow down.

3. Relationships are what is important. We are each made for relationship.

4. God is sovereign. He is in control. Always. Nothing surprises Him.

5. I don’t need to have all the answers.

6. Messy won’t kill you…it might aggravate, irritate and you might need to fumigate…but, it won’t kill you.

7. I’m glad I’ve journaled over the years.

8. It’s fun having friendships that have lasted the years.

9. I don’t need negative people in my life. Hurt people, hurt other people. I don’t need that.

10. Every person can reach their full potential.

11. Some of the happiest people I know, don’t know that they have “special needs“…they just enjoy life…and that makes me enjoy life.

12. Children are a gift from God Himself.

13. Being a mother is the closest I will ever come to understanding unconditional love.

14. Birthdays are fun. I like them. I feel special….and I get to eat ice cream.

15. I love ice cream. I refuse to feel guilty about it. Ice cream is good.

16. Dogs are the best pets ever. Loyal, furry friends.

17. I have learned to like cats. Even if I clean up puke nearly every other day. Darn them, for looking all fluffy and cute!

18. Chickens make me happy. Even if they try to peck at me.

19. Sheep freak me out. They look like aliens.  I try not to hurt their feelings…they can’t help it that they look like aliens.

20. Llamas are my favorite “new” animal. I’d like some one day. Just to watch.It lowers my blood pressure to watch them graze.

21. The city life is great for convenience, but I truly love the peacefulness of living in the country. Open spaces and quiet places…..

22. I haven’t been to a high school reunion yet. I wish I could. I think it would be interesting.

23. People watching is an art form, especially during trips to Walmart.

24. Sleep is important, and cannot be overrated. The body needs it and it helps me to not be cranky and want to gag and tie up my family members.

25. I enjoy watching ID TV. I wonder about myself sometimes…..that I should enjoy shows where people are serial killers, identity thieves, housewives that have snapped, or jilted lovers gone wrong…terribly wrong.  When our dogs dragged home some bones last year, I knew they could not be part of a deer carcass….they were probably the remnants of some poor soul that had been dumped on our road. This was completely fabricated on my part, but see how my mind works?  I’m weird, I know.

26. I like to walk. Walking is therapeutic.

27. The scales at the doctor’s office are always wrong, and we all know it.

28. I am a bad gift wrapper, but I don’t care. It’s a gift that someone is getting…should they really care if it is duct taped together?

29. I love to read….but, never feel like I have enough time to sit down and read. When I have enough time to sit down and read, by eyesight will probably have gone by then. How unfair.

30. I could eat Mexican food every day. Hot stuff is good for you. Seriously. Of course, not if flames are shooting out your ears…….

31. Never stop learning. It makes you interesting and entertaining.

32. Remember the good things.

33. Know that bad times will pass. They always do. It won’t be that way forever.

34. A truly strong person is one who can be gentle.

35. Laugh. Laugh a lot. Laugh at yourself.

36. Try to stay organized. It helps life to run a little more smoothly. Do the best you can.

37. I’m not in control of life….even though I’d like to think I am.

38. Tell people that you love, that you love them. Say it over and over again. You need to say it. They need to hear it.

39. Slow down. What is the rush, really? What are you rushing to?  Or from?  There are 24 hrs. in the day for each of us.

40. With age comes wisdom.

41. Beauty is fleeting, but a winning smile and sparkling personality go a long way to making anyone look good, no matter the age.

42. Music speaks to the soul.

43. Flip flops and worn T-shirts are the best summer gear.

44. God is good. All the time.

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Happy Sigh

Image via Wikipedia

Today is Friday. It has been a fun week.

My birthday. My son’s birthday.

Today is sunny, after all the rain.

Things are good. Happy sigh.

Some days I stare up into the heavens… I really see the beautiful sky and puffy, cotton clouds .I watch the stars sparkle.

I really look at my half made bed with the beautiful white quilt.

I really feel the arms encircling me in a hug.

I really taste the orange and jasmine green tea.

I really smell the lavender in the dryer sheets.

I really hear the laughter.

Some days my senses seem so alive. I wonder what I’m like on most days? Are my senses dulled to the world around me? Am I on autopilot that I can’t really appreciate what it is that I have?

I long to live this life…my life…with my eyes wide open. Open to all there is. All the things to be wildly thankful for.

As one of my favorite authors writes, “Life is not an emergency”. Yet, so many times I choose to live the opposite.

Why do I rush through my days? What am I racing headlong into? So busy, doing what? Don’t have time?

I need to live.

Now.

In this moment.

**********

Do you ever find yourself wanting to slow down? Do you ever take the time to just stop what you are doing, and give thanks?

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Life Bursting At The Seams

Image by Isolino via Flickr

Yesterday was my birthday. Today is the first day of my new year. The excitement. The possibilities…are endless.

The old year is gone. Never to return. Each birthday is a sort of rebirth, isn’t it?  Try new things. Be creative. Get better. Smile more. Love more. Laugh out loud.

It’s a chance to learn more.  Although I love books, I’m not talking about word knowledge.

*There is a difference between wisdom and knowledge

*Sometimes taking a step back from a situation, is really moving forward

*Being a good speaker, is more than just knowing the words to say

*Being able to say “I’m sorry”…two of the most important words in the English language

*Understanding that life is not a dress rehearsal

*Remembering that there is no one like me

*Life isn’t an emergency

*Slow down, rushing around just makes me unnecessarily frazzled

*Love people

*Smile a lot

*Don’t be afraid to share my heart

*It is not necessary to say everything I’m thinking

*Really understanding, “This too shall pass”

*Believing that God knows and loves me–on a daily basis

*Sometimes life hurts, embrace this without letting it destroy me

*Jesus walks with me

*Life is short, no matter how long I live

*I need to live my life in light of eternity

*Serve with joy

Proverbs 4:6-7
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. (NIV)

Psalm 107:43
Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the LORD. (NIV)

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I Feel Just Right…

Image via Wikipedia

1968

A time of turbulence in the country.  Hippie peace lovers. Vietnam soldiers. Martin Luther King Jr. assassinated in Memphis. The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. Weird cults. Rebellion. Rosemary’s Baby and Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner? OJ was a college star at the University of Southern California. Arthur Ashe, Peggy Fleming, and Detroit vs. St. Louis in the World Series. Jackie Kennedy marries Aristotle Onassis. Elvis has a comeback. The Mod Squad. The Andy Griffith Show, and Laugh-In. Nixon elected. Apollo 8.

In Spring of that year a baby girl was born in a small county hospital in Maryland.

That little girl was me.

Forty-three years have come and gone since then.

A lot has happened.

A lot good. Some bad. Much laughter. Some tears. Things that were a little scary. Some things hysterically funny. So many memories.

I’ve had a good life. Not everyone can say that… I feel so blessed that I can.

I’m glad to be 43 today.

I don’t feel too old…and I don’t feel too young.

I feel just right.

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Precious Memories—Happy Birthday

Image by freakgirl via Flickr

Special : readily distinguishable from others of the same category

Some people long for it…others strive their whole life to obtain it….and yet, a few, rare people are just born with it. That special something that makes one unique. That makes one different. That makes that person, absolutely one of a kind.

I’d like to tell you about one such person.

Today is her 75th birthday, and this day I dedicate my blog to celebrating her….. the lady that has had such a huge impact on my life, as well as the lives of my entire family.

My aunt Dorothy.

My cousins and I always knew that she had time for us. When we were very young, and she was our “Dor Dor”, to Aunt Dorothy when we got older…she was the one who took us on Saturday afternoon drives (and got ice cream if were lucky), made sure she was at all the ball games to cheer on whichever child was playing at the time, opened her house as “command central” for multiple family get togethers, birthdays, and holiday celebrations. She attended graduations, celebrated marriages, anticipated the births of new family members.

Her love continued on to the next generation of children.

Aunt Dorothy continues to give us all the valuable gift of time…. Her time. Priceless.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNT DOROTHY. HERE IS TO CELEBRATING YOU!

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