Walking Through Unfamiliar Territory

It has been months since I have made a blog post, three and a half months to be exact. I miss not blogging, but for those of us that live our lives know, that sometimes the day to day can bog us down. I wanted to write but, I was tired. I wanted to share but, I was busy. I thought about typing but, duties called. Now finally, I have a few minutes on a sunny September afternoon to post on what I am thinking at this moment in time.

Life is hard.

This statement probably doesn’t come as a surprise to many. You know. You feel it too. I’m currently fifty-one years old. Most days in my own head I feel younger, like I don’t belong in a body that has already lived through five decades. The truth is, I thought when I was in my fifties life would be easier. Young enough to still enjoy life, wise enough to appreciate it. But, it isn’t easier.

Kids grow up. They make their own decisions. It doesn’t matter whether I agree or disagree with choices being made. Sometimes the thought of that is freeing and at other times it hurts. Anyone that has grown, twenty-something children probably understands what I am saying. I have to accept that when I look at my children, I am looking into the faces of adults. Adults who are making their own way, in their own time, and I pray for wisdom for us all.

Family members who are facing difficult situations. Decisions that are stressful, diagnoses that debilitate, and an understanding that change is happening. Change. I hate that word right now. When the doctor gives the news it seems so unfair. So wrong. I try not to dwell on things, but the thoughts are always in the back of my mind tearing away at memories.

At times I am strong and fierce. I know myself and understand my role. At other times I am weak from the tears and the longing for what once was. On some days I am fine, happy, and all is well. I feel in control. Other days not so much. That is the thing. I am not in control. I never was. The thought of having control over my life is just a flimsy facade. On days when I let this realization take hold I am so very grateful that I know the ONE who is in control. The ONE who is not chained to calendars and clocks, who is not phased by the movement of time. He who knows each of us intimately and is never surprised by the doctor’s diagnoses, or children’s decisions. Jesus who never leaves me nor forsakes me, who said there is nothing that can keep us apart.

Thank you, Jesus.

³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?… <my words: or doctor’s diagnoses, or growing up children, or autoimmune disease, or mistakes, or misunderstandings or…..anything>

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35, 37-39 ESV

Letting Him Go

If you are a parent, I believe you will understand my heart as I write this post. My son, Kendrick, graduates from university this coming Saturday. I am excited for my son. Four years (that went by way too quickly!) of long hours, studying, a myriad number of tests and field work culminates this weekend. He will approach the stage empty-handed but will leave that same stage with a degree. My son, in his early 20’s, has already had much real-world experience in his major. He is an excellent cinematographer who has witnessed first hand the heartache of hurricane Harvey, made videos for a non-profit that helps people around the world, and was part of a film group that won awards at a local film festival. Working in film entails a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. He would probably also add, a lack of sleep. As his mom, I worry he doesn’t get enough rest, and truth be told he probably doesn’t!

 

 

I am proud of my son, as any parent would be when their child graduates. But, more than I am proud of his numerous accomplishments in his field, and the wise decisions he has made along the way, I am at peace about where he will go and what he will do in this life. Independent. Intelligent. Wise. A Warrior’s Heart……. and sometimes a little CrAzY. (Sorry, just sayin’.) My peace about him, and for him, does not come from me or how I feel. It doesn’t come from his accomplishments or travels. I am at peace because my son, my dear son, made the most important decision of his life when he was a little boy. He chose Jesus. Everything else doesn’t even compare to that most important, life-changing decision. I realize it is not always easy to walk the walk. I know he has made (and will continue to make) mistakes. But, some of life’s most important lessons come from our failures. Some of my favorite sayings come from this very thing. “This too shall pass”. (Just hang on!) “You can do anything for a short period of time.” (So when life feels overwhelming remind yourself that you will get through it.) and “A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you don’t make the turn.” (Life isn’t always going to work out the way we wish it would. Stay focused. Stay on the road. Who knows? A new and exciting adventure might be right around the corner.)

As a mom, I have to let my child go. Over the last several years I have had to slowly loosen my grip on him. As a baby, and a young child, he needed me. He needed me to take care of him, keep him safe, teach him well. At almost twenty-three he doesn’t need me in that same way anymore. I am not saying he doesn’t love me or need me, but it is not in the same way. If he reads my post to him he will know his mama’s eyes are “moist” as she types these words.

Kendrick will have family and friends celebrating with him this coming Saturday. In the midst of the days leading up to this event, my thoughts wander to my late husband, Kendrick’s daddy. He died when Kendrick was just five years old, in the Fall of his son’s kindergarten year. His daddy was there at the beginning of school, and I hope that God allows my late husband to witness Kendrick graduating college all these years later. He would be so happy and proud. Having been so young when his father died, these big life events are bittersweet. Tears of happiness and sadness mixed together.

Letting go……loving you……Congratulations on your graduation, Kendrick!

 ^“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

 

 

 

 

 

Challenge #5, Before And After…

Yesterday’s challenge was my take on “Before and After”……

Before I became a follower of Christ, I thought I was “good enough”. After, I understood I was a sinner in need of a Savior. I found love and I found redemption. I realized that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. My life changed…for all eternity.

Before I was married, I thought I understood what it meant to share, to compromise, to trust, to love. After, I knew what it was to create a life together, to put aside my pride and say “I’m sorry”, to show forgiveness, and to remain committed through both good and bad times…..because life has a fair share of both.

Before I was a mom, I thought I knew how to be a good parent. After, I understood love in a way I never understood it before. I laughed, I cried, my heart changed, and I happily gave my time, day in and day out, for this little one. Each year brings surprises, and each stage is a new adventure.

Before I was a teacher, I thought I knew what it was to run a classroom and be an excellent instructor. I would be planning assignments, and checking papers. After, I found out that teaching is more than students in a classroom, but young lives that looked to me for some answers in an otherwise confusing world. I learn as much from my students as they do from me. That is just the truth.

Before the deaths of my grandparents, husband, and father, I thought I understood how to grieve. After, I realized that grieving is different for everyone. Grief comes in waves like the ocean, and one must face those waves and move through them. There are good days, and there are bad days, and on some days all I could do was breathe.

Life is full of before’s and after’s. The older I get the more I realize that when I am standing in “the before” I rarely understand. Oh, it is easy to think I do, but life has a way of teaching lessons in the midst of “the after”. Valuable, cherished moments. Lessons learned.

 

 

 

 

 

Peace For A Parent’s Heart

 

The day broke in vibrant pinks and purples, against a cold, crisp mid-January sky. Crawling out from under my electric blanket was difficult, as I could feel the air nip at me, even in the heated house. Today’s high temperature is to be 9 degrees. Single digits involves dressing in layers, that and a good cup of hot coffee.

My son left this morning to go back to college. Packing his car with his freshly laundered clothes and winter sports equipment in 1 degree temperature was not fun, but he is a trooper and got it done. He has only been gone a couple of hours and I miss him already.

I had a friend post yesterday about her three sons growing up and how it was hard for her. I can relate. All my children are young adults now. Two working full time, one at school and working part time, and one working full time and attending school. It is hard on parents when their little kids, aren’t little anymore….when their lives are truly their own, and they make all the choices about their days. For better or for worse.

As a parent it has always been my job to raise my children to eventually let them go. Love them, teach them, comfort them, reach them.  As the years went on, I had to learn to release my grip on them. My mama’s heart is feeling a tug today. Sigh.

I find comfort on the difficult days of being a mother, in the words of my Lord…..

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 The words that have been etched into the heart, won’t be forgotten…even if the path has lots of bumps in the road.

And, Romans 8:37-39 – No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. I know that I am not always going to be there for my children. I am not all knowing, and all present, but I know the One who is. Christ loves my children, as He loves me. He will never leave them, nor can anything that happens to them, ever separate them from His love.

That gives this mama’s heart, peace. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

I Am Blessed

In honor of Mother’s Day, I thought I would repost something I wrote five years ago. Motherhood changed me, and life was never the same. I’d have it no other way. I am blessed. Truly, blessed.

Good Byes Are Hard…They Just Are

The pregnancy test was positive. I stared at the stick for a full minute. Blinked. Looked at it again. Yes, it still read positive. I had never been so excited in all my life. I was going to be a mom! The months leading up to his birth were good ones. I started a journal for him, before he even made his appearance. He was my son even before I knew his face. My first born. My only born. My dear, sweet child.

The years passed, and he grew from a baby, to a toddler, to a preschooler, to school age. Each year brought new and exciting changes. I felt blessed in motherhood. This little boy taught me so much about life, and love. Lessons that only come from the hard work and grit of being a parent. When you are “in the trenches” of mommy hood, your perspective changes.

He was four when his daddy was diagnosed with a terminal heart condition. The whole year after he turned four, he stayed home with his daddy. They hung out, they played, they made memories. A year can seem like a long wait, or a painfully short time when you know a good-bye is looming on the horizon.

Kindergarten started in the fall of 2000. Our bright faced, cute as a button, little guy was stepping out into his academic life. He loved, and continues to love, people. It is just his personality, he makes friends wherever he goes. I consider that a gift from God. Only two and a half months into this new chapter of his young life, his father passed away. It is hard to lose a parent at any time, but at such a young age it is difficult to process. That chilly November day was both the beginning and the end of a way of life for us all.

It was just my son and me. We were close, we had each other. I watched him grow, and learn and enjoy life. I saw him in moods, grumping around the house. We had our good days and our bad days as any family does.

Five years passed and I remarried to a wonderful man, who loves me and loves my son. More life changes….home schooling, moving out of state, meeting new people, making new friends, learning and working hard. I watched him grow and mature, often times, well beyond his years. His relationship with the Lord grew stronger. He is no longer my little boy, but now a young man. He has done many things in his young life, that I am proud of. My heart knows what it is to love beyond mere words.

Tomorrow I will drive away, and leave him. He is opening his life up to a new chapter. While away at college, he will grow and learn in his own way, on his own time. He will laugh, and love, and learn how to persevere. He will see the good, the bad, and the ugly. He will be proud of himself, and maybe sometimes feel like a failure. All these things will shape him for his journey. It is going to be difficult for this mama, not because I want to keep him with me forever, I don’t. It is just that good-byes are always hard. They just are.

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6 NIV

This Is My Life

I have missed my regular blogging over the past couple of weeks. This August has been and continues to be busy! Please bear with me as my posts are hit and miss this month. The plan is to get back in my groove after Labor Day!

I’m doing (academic) diagnostic evaluations for many in my local home school group. I am trying to get all that done before school starts! I enjoy testing kids to see what they know. Just to toot our own horn a little bit, these students are rocking the tests. Those of you that know me, know that even though I was (and continue to be part time) a public school teacher….I am in love with home schooling. It has been a great experience. I enjoy the flexibility that comes with home schooling.

My son leaves for college in two weeks. There is so much to get done in that two week period. I have lists on top of my lists of things to get done before his big move. The other night my son invited me to go out with him to the movies. We had opportunity to talk, and laugh together. The times spent with him are bitter sweet, because I am acutely aware of how things are changing for us. He is no longer my little boy, but my young man. I am extremely proud of all that he has accomplished in his young life and know he will go on to great things. In the meantime I need to make sure that he has detergent and dryer sheets, extra long sheets for his dorm bed, and warm clothes since he is heading north! Sigh…..I will miss him.

On Saturday we adopted a new dog from the local shelter. Rocky is a year and a half old….and still very puppy like. The shelter said he is a Boxer/Collie mix. I am beginning to think they were wrong. I think he is a Boxer/Lab mix. Our two other dogs, Ace (senior) and Lonnie (middle aged) don’t know what to think of this young, teen, dog. He is a whirlwind. He gallops around like a horse and if one happens to be standing in his “zone” as he goes flying by he/she might be knocked over, much like getting a strike at the bowling alley! This morning while feeding our other animals, Rocky wanted to show his love for me. He jumped up and put both paws on me. (We are working on NOT doing that.) Paws that were muddy and damp from the morning dew. Paws that left two large, muddy paw prints smack dab on my……..chest. I have on a light colored tee shirt. I don’t feel like changing, because it will only happen again until we train him to not do this. So, I’m going to Wal-mart with paw prints on my chest.

This is my life.

I hope all my readers are having a peaceful and happy morning. I think of you often, scattered all across the continents. I wonder what it is that you are doing while living your lives. We are all so different, and yet so much the same.

 

Sometimes The Sound Is Deafening

The morning is gray and still and it feels like rain is in the air, but who knows, that can change in a second around here. A Monday in mid-July, that is the beginning of a cool spell that is to arrive in the area. Not to offend all my summer, heat loving, friends but, the thought occurred to me this morning that October is less than three months away. My favorite time of the year. Not too hot, and not too cold, as Goldilocks would say, “just right”.

Weeks passing and months passing and I mull that over on the way back from the barn.

Time doesn’t stop. The moments speed along whether I’m “in” the moment or not. Although I love Fall, I am not ready for it to get here yet. This Fall brings changes to my life, and to those that I love. My son starts his freshman year of college in late August. He will be roughly four hours away in the land of frozen tundra (Michigan to those who don’t know). I am thrilled for him, and he has earned this chapter of his life…but, things will change. I’m not sure yet how I feel about that. Sigh.

My daughter begins her senior year in high school. The year will consist of finishing classes, ACT testing, senior pictures, filling out applications, and making a decision about a college or career. The culmination of years of work will be graduation. When she walks across the stage it will be both the beginning of a new chapter for her, and the end of mine and my husband’s days as parents of school age kids.

Everyone is an adult now. Being independent, making their own decisions. Our oldest son, is already out on his own, making his way in the world, and living with his own choices.

Time ticks off the minutes and sometimes the sound is deafening.

One of my favorite authors, Ann Voskamp, says that in order to slow down time one needs to see the moments and be thankful. When we are thankful we enjoy the time more, we see things more clearly, and are grateful to God who gave us this life.

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Today I am thankful for: 

*beautiful glowing super moon that lit up the yard with its light last night

*giving belly rubs to the dogs

*a cat in the lap

*a new way of eating that makes me feel so much better and healthier

*ripe summertime tomatoes

*fresh blueberries

*HGTV marathons:)

*inside jokes with my husband

*my husband, who loves me….even when I am feeling unloveable

*kids that are no longer kids….my children, all grown up

*gray morning sky

*turning back toward the house after getting the mail, and being awestruck by the azure sky and white clouds

*stopping in the driveway and raising my arms in the air, so overwhelmed with the beauty of nature, and yelling “THANK YOU, GOD” at the top of my lungs…. my voice echoing back to me off the side of the metal barn. I believe God has a sense of humor and no one can convince me otherwise. I think after that outburst God gave me a fist bump. 🙂

 

 

 

Hand That Rocks The Cradle

Join us for today’s five minute Friday prompt.  The word to write about is HANDS.

Write for five minutes. Don’t think about it too much….just write.

On your mark, get set, go!

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THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE IS

THE HAND THAT RULES THE WORLD—William Ross Wallace

 

I sometimes think, as mothers, we forget how important we actually are to our family.

Hugs and hand shakes. Holding hands and holding hearts. High fives and a thumbs up.

A wave and a warning.

A hand on the forehead, to check for temperature, a hand on the hip that says, “What was that all about?”.

Hands that smooth down fly away hair, and straighten collars.

Hands that text and dial numbers as reminders…and for checking to make sure everything is okay.

Touch is so important…it speaks to the heart.

It makes a difference.

 

 

One Hot Mama Mess

On this first Friday in May, are you ready – give us five minutes on the word MESS?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is May, less than a month before my son’s graduation from high school. Who knew how much had to be done, get done, come undone? I’ve got stuff piled on top of stuff…announcements and pictures and lists of things to do for his graduation party….and my daughter is homeschooling and that brings with it a whole other mess of “to do’s”. I’m also a teacher and it is the end of the school year and there is paperwork, and testing, and assignments to finish and progress reports to fill out and it makes me tired thinking about it all! My husband tells me to relax. I tell him I don’t know how.

I’ve scheduled a couple of “girls day out” things in the midst of it all. I will need that time to recuperate, for sure…..either that or just pass out…..which now that I think about it, might not be such a bad thing. I would at least get a few moments of rest, but I digress…..back to my mess!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I sit here typing, I’ve noticed dog fur tumbleweeds on the floor, and fingerprints, a carpet that needs vacuumed and a table that needs wiped. Dishes that are in the sink and a half drank glass of tea. I try to keep things neat around this joint, but Better Homes and Gardens will probably not be knocking on my door anytime soon.

The yard needs mowed, the chicken coop needs cleaned and we must get the deck power washed and the furniture brought out of storage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yep…..I’ll be either be completely bald, or have a head full of gray hair by the end of this month. Now, won’t that look great for those graduation pictures?! By the way, that reminds me I need to get a hair cut. I need to pencil that in on the calendar. Um……right there between the appointment for the dogs vaccinations and my birthday.